PAPERWORK...OH PAPERWORK! HOW LOVELY ARE YOUR PAGES!

MAN! TODAY AND YESTERDAY, AND PROBABLY FOR THE NEXT WEEK OR SO, I WILL HAVE A TON OF PAPERWORK TO DO, SIGNATURES TO PUT ON IT, AND THE LIST GOES ON!

I AM APPLYING FOR DISABILITY, AND HAVE HAD TO RELY ON STAYING WITH MY SIS FOR A YEAR NOW, WITH ONLY MINIMAL GROC MONEY, AND LITTLE CASH FOR NON FOOD ITEMS...SO I AM PRAYING THAT SOMETHING COMES TO PASS VERY SOON!

BEING THE LATE BLOOMER THAT I AM, I'VE NEEDED SOME COUNSELING TO DEAL WITH SOME ISSUES THAT ARE COMING TO A HEAD, WELL KNOWING THAT THE PAST HAS A LOT TO DO WITH ALL OF IT! SO THEREFORE, I SAY TO ALL OUT THERE THAT ARE IN THE SAME BOAT, DO THE SAME, BECAUSE ITS AMAZING HOW MUCH BETTER A PERSON FEELS WHEN THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS LIFTED OFF THE OLD SHOULDERS! ITS NO USE HANGING ON TO BAGGAGE THAT ONLY HURTS US AND NOONE ELSE!

THE OBSESSOR...

YES, I OBSESS! OVER MANY THINGS, AND WHAT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING, SOME DAYS!

I LOVE TO SPEND MONEY! I LOVE TO EAT, AND I DWELL ON SUCH THINGS SO MUCH AT TIMES I HAVE NO ENERGY TO DO OR THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE! I EVEN NEED TO WATCH MYSELF, BECAUSE IF I DON'T, I COULD BE CLASSIFIED AS ONE OF THOSE HOARDERS U SEE ON THOSE DOCUMENTARIES ON THE A&E CHANNEL! UGH! WHAT, OF THESE THINGS, WASN'T I BORN WITH? YES, I WAS BORN WITH AN ABILITY TO WRITE CREATIVELY, LEARN MOST THINGS QUICKLY, TO BE MERCIFUL AND LOVING, BUT A LITTLE MORE PERFECTION AND A LITTLE LESS OBSESSIVENESS WOULD BE NICE...SO MY LABEL AS "THE LATE BLOOMER" WOULDN'T HAVE AS MUCH OF A NEGATIVE SOUND TO IT, LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP ALSO SEEMS TO HAVE!

IT SEEMS AS IF GOD DOESN'T WANT ME TO TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED, SO HE HAS GIVEN ME MORE THAN 1 CROSS TO BARE...AND SINCE WE ARE SUPPOSE TO HONOR HIM FOR WHO HE IS FOR US AND IN US, I GUESS I'M RIGHT WHERE I'M SUPPOSE TO BE...KNEELING DAILY AS A REMINDER OF WHO I AM AS WELL....WHEN I AM TRYING TO WALK THE PATH ALONE, VS WITH HIM...

DUNGEON: that sinking feeling!!!

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DAY FILLED WITH HOPE, WHERE THINGS WERE GOING GREAT...WITH THE GENERAL FEELINGS OF JOY, PEACE, AND CONTENTMENT, ONLY TO LATER FEEL LIKE YOU GOT ON AN ELEVATOR(22ND FLOOR), AND WENT FROM 22 TO 1 IN 2 SECONDS FLAT? WHAT A FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM THAT IS! AND BECAUSE OF A SMALL DISAGREEMENT WITH SOMEONE; ONLY TO HAVE THEM THROW IN YOUR FACE THAT "YOUR STAYING AT MY HOUSE...I DESERVE RESPECT!" I'M LIKE...HMMM! AND OTHERS DON'T JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE IN YOUR HOUSE? OK? WHATEVER! OK...CONTROL FREAK! LETS BE CAREFUL NOT TO HAVE A DIFFERING OPINION, OR HAVE A COME BACK FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS SAID FOR FEAR OF HAVING DARTS THROWN AT YOU!

THERE MUST BE A DIFFERENCE, THOUGH, BETWEEN FEELINGS OF DOOM, DISPAIR, AND BEING "LESS THAN WORTHY," AND STILL BEING HOPEFUL BECAUSE THERE IS "LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL." BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WENT FROM FEELING OK/AVERAGE/CONTENT, TO SUDDEN DOOM WITHIN A FEW MINUTES OR SECONDS, I STILL CLING TO MY PERPETUAL HOPE THAT I WILL HAVE A JOB OF MY DREAMS AND A PLACE TO LIVE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS; I AM RECIEVING ASSISTANCE IN THESE AREAS, "A HAND UP, NOT A HAND OUT," SO TO SPEAK. MY LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS DIM BUT GETTING BRIGHTER WITH EACH PASSING DAY BECAUSE GOD IS IN THE PICTURE...AND I WORK AT FOCUSING ON HIM(ITS WHEN I LOSE FOCUS THAT THE FAST ELEVATOR TO THE DUNGEON OF DOOM DOES ITS THING)!!!!

The Outcast...

I remember as far back as 3 years old, almost like it was yesterday; but in a dream. I remember Mom and Dad on bath night, sitting me in with my 2 older sisters, as well as other things like Christmas in Redstone! At age 3, we moved into the town of Plentywood, which is where all 3 of us were born, because Redstone, even back then, was like a ghosttown...if you blinked, you would miss it! Thats the way it IS in far Northeastern Montana, where the winters are the worst anywhere! If you wanna get lost, and aren't familiar with the desolation of N.E. MT, just find your way up there...u can hide out ANYWHERE there and probably never be found!

When our family of 5 moved from the little Redstone house that my Dads Father built when Dad was little, we moved to a little 10x20 trailor house at the Plentywood Airport(which was at the top of the hill...and BOY could the winds howl! Trees are scarce, so Dad ended up putting rubber tires on the roof to keep it from being so noisy when the wind blew)! He was a professional Pilot for 50 years, so we lived at the airport until I was about 8 years old so he could manage its goins on! My sisters and I rode the school bus into town to school everyday...I looked forward to that every morning, but was really ornery and would purposely miss it in the afternoon sometimes! My friends came 1st, as usual! As it was, when I was 8 we moved into Plentywood into our brand new home, where all of us had our own bedrooms, and my best friends from school were our backdoor neighbors(and the lady who lived up the street ended up being my Teacher in the 5th grade)!

Because of the fact that I was in and out of school so much in order for my Mom and I to take the train to Spokane to the Shrine Clinic/Hospital, it didn't take long to become a social outcast because of what we now know of as ADD, lack of social skills, and being considered "slow;" I couldn't concentrate in school(my grades showed it, so I even got kicked out of band soon after I started in 5th grade)!

In December of 1969, during Christmas Vacation from school(5th grade), I again went to Spokane; but this time, to spend 2 months bedridden in traction. It was during this time that my family moved to Billings, to the heights. When I got out of the hospital, I finished out 5th grade at Bitterroot School. During the summer of 1970, we moved to the west end, where I went to Central Heights School during my 6th grade year. When I got out of Shriners, I was wearing a Milwaukee Brace in hopes of my back straightening up somewhat to minimize, once again, the severity of surgery...this and the traction were only attempts at helping my back, and as it was, after wearing the brace for 2 years, thats when I ended up in Boise for what ended up being 2 major 8 hour surgeries a week apart...when I was discharged from St Alphonsus Hospital, I was in a body cast for 9 months(from chest to waist, like the brace was). During the summer of 1972, after 2 years of brace and agonizing operations, we moved to Circle Montana where I finished my last 5 years of school. If there's anytime in my life that I could go back and do over it would be that time in Circle!!! I had moved there, still being an outcast(little did I know just how much until all the bullying started), in pain from the surgeries and needing strong painkillers as well as breaks to go lay down-my new beginning was an emotional upheavel...painful in more ways than one! The biggest turning point in my life was H.S. Graduation, then my stepmom ousting me as they prepped to move back to Plentywood...yes...stepmom; my mother was killed in a carwreck outside of circle in 10/72, 3 months after moving there...some local home boys who got away with murder; they were dragracing at 80 mph when they Tboned my moms car(my sis and I were with her)...she died instantly, and the boykillers walked...my Dad made the comment that if his Billings Attorney told him "If I would have been handling your case, the boys would have paid their dues."
My Dad remarried within 4 months...and it was he and Mary Jo who moved to Plentywood(again...for him...) after moving me to Wolf Point MT to work...I ended up going to college in Miles City though in the fall of 1979, and finished out in Billings in June of 1988...

A Rough Start...

My roots are in a small N.E. Montana town called Redstone, which is probably not even on the map, as are several small places within that area of the state. In the beginning, my life had many ups and downs...until I was one year old, I cried most of the time, and was often sick. At the age of 1, when I was taking a bath, Auntie Joan was visiting us and noticed something odd about my back and spine...which was severely curved. It was at that time that my parents brought me to Billings to see Dr Walton, an orthopedic Doc. He diagnosed my scoliosis, triple curveture, along with a missing rib(right rib cage), as well as a missing vertebrae. Soon after the diagnosis that changed my life, a lifelong friend and Shriner from up home, Jim Jensen, sponsored me so I could go to the Shriners Hospital and Clinic in Spokane Washington for care. For the next 12 years, they did everything they could for me, including a 2 month stay from 12/69-2/70; at which time I was bedridden in traction to try and straighten my spine as much as possible to minimize the need for surgery(which was to be done only after I was finished growing). When I was 13 years of age, the Shrine Docs realized my back situation was to severe for them to take care of surgically, so they called around the country/world until they found a Specialist in Boise, Idaho who could do the much needed operations for what will be forever labed the "Granddaddy of them all" as far as this type of surgery was concerned...so I feel really blessed to this day to be walking upright(or to be walking at all)...This story is only the beginning of why I consider myself to be...THE LATE BLOOMER! More to come...